20 10 / 2014

There are plenty of examples of people in my life being delusional in an attempt to escape reality or just for entertainment purposes. There are friends who save pictures or links to engagement rings to their phone when they are hungover in sweats and single as ever. There are some who discuss the pros and cons of sleeping with a super hot celebrity. Or even those who simply say out loud that they are considering a diet or not drinking some weekend night out.

This is not a complaint. I am not against delusions. As one of my favorite commencement speeches by Conan O’Brien says, “When all else fails, there’s always delusion.” And that’s so true. Words to live by, probably.

I think the people I choose to surround myself with can relate to a few of the ways I am delusional. Mostly because I drag them into it because shared delusions are such fun. I’m definitely not the type to peruse through suburban houses for sale or wedding boards on Pinterest. That wouldn’t make sense, right? The following is a compilation of ways I choose to be delusional because it’s fun and brings me joy and laughter in most cases. Or it makes my mom feel better.

I set my alarm for 5:30am most nights. I listen to said alarm and wake up at 5:30am maybe once a week. Maybe.

I order a salad for lunch just to be able to answer “Oh I just had a salad” when someone asks me what I had for lunch. In reality, it was mostly cheese, meat, and creamy dressing followed by handfuls of chocolate.

I brought a hairbrush to my apartment when I moved in. I could not tell you where it is now, but it’s somewhere in the place I live. That counts for something.

I bring a certain amount of cash out with me and tell myself that is all I will spend that night. I keep my card with me in case of emergencies. AKA. I laugh as I walk out the door knowing I will definitely go through all the cash and then some. But since the cash expenses don’t end up on a bank statement it’s as if they never happened. Burritos and shots on me!

Telling myself it’s okay to take a cab to a place if I’m running late because I’ll deeeeeefinitely do pubtrans home. For sure. Mhmm.

In a public situation with people I don’t know very well discussing music I will try to go out of my way to mention artists I listen to that don’t make people want to punch me in the face.

I continue to shave my body hair. That’s just silly.

Conversationally referring to celebrities by their first names. Or nicknames I have made up for them. Not even in a comedic way. I constantly talk about “Tay” in the same sort of way I’ll talk about my sister.

Ask any of my friends if I plan on getting married. Their answer will be something like, “No…well, except for Harry Styles.” I have our first dance planned. It may have to be changed because it is about to turn into the most cliché first dance songs. Not to get all Bridezilla but I’m annoyed.

A few times a month I will start watching a critically acclaimed show or talk about how I plan to start watching some critically acclaimed show when in reality I will continue to watch reruns of Happy Endings on Canadian Netflix.

Just like good TV shows, I say things along the lines of, “Oh I’ve always meant to read that book!” Unless it was written by a comedian I’m definitely never going to read it.

I ask people to buy me food at bars rather than a drink. Nobody wants to buy me a drink let alone mozzarella sticks.

I delete entire text conversations the morning after a night of heavy drinking. Those calls and texts never happened. If I learned anything from all the crime shows I’ve watched (one) it’s that paper trails can really mess you up.

I don’t fully grasp the concept of a “paper trail.”

I continue to make plans pretending like I won’t break them or just miss them entirely making up several excuses as time passes.

I didn’t put the Girl Meets World theme song on my iPhone. As if I didn’t want to listen to that constantly.

I continue to buy dresses or things that aren’t cat t-shirts.

I’ll order a larger portion of food telling myself I obviously won’t finish it but will have leftovers to eat later. Yeah. Right.

I look at flights to various dream destinations. I can’t even afford the data it takes to look at the tickets.

I have gotten into a habit of writing down to-do lists. This has a few parts. This implies I actually have things to do, I actually have intentions of doing said things, and that I actually won’t lose the list.

I once Googled “Is it appropriate to quote Beyoncé in a cover letter?”

I once ignored Google’s recommendations about quoting Beyoncé in a cover letter.

I’m going to try to write more often. Not because I think anybody has missed my writing, I’m not THAT delusional. But maybe the time I spend writing this nonsense will take away from the time I spend shoveling various forms of carbs into my face or watching trashy televison. Or at least I can work on multitasking.

15 10 / 2014

riningear:

Great Figures of the Men’s Rights Movement

CollegeHumor Article
Willie Muse, illustrated by Shea Strauss 

On point. 

(via collegehumor)

14 10 / 2014

oops

oops

14 10 / 2014

dennys:

can’t wait for the album to drop

yea this is all there is to me

dennys:

can’t wait for the album to drop

yea this is all there is to me

(via gettingsweptaway)

14 10 / 2014

taylorswift:

mysweetayngel:

THEYRE JUST TREES TAYLOR

But I thought they were monsters WHATEVER IT IS A COMMON MISTAKE

(via swiftnetwork)

14 10 / 2014

14 10 / 2014

taylorswift:

taylorslegs:

are we out of the woods

image

are we in the clear yet

image

This is a perfect visual representation of the song.

What a time to be alive.

14 10 / 2014

hisroyalhighnessmalik:

fakezaynstan:

Never forget

MOVE THAT FURNITURE SWIZZLE!

hisroyalhighnessmalik:

fakezaynstan:

Never forget

MOVE THAT FURNITURE SWIZZLE!

(via themanhattanskyline)

14 10 / 2014

14 10 / 2014

feariess:

I am going to need 20 stitches in a hospital room because I am convulsing on the floor right now from how amazing this song is.

(via themanhattanskyline)